Brief history lesson: a long time ago, in a galaxy… that we’re in right now, it was a period of cable tv war. Rebel stations, striking with a seemingly hidden viewership, had won some ad revenue away from larger networks.

It is unlikely that many of you understood that I was leading into a rant about G4 TV which used to be called TechTV, which was called ZDTV before that. See, back then (circa ‘98), Leo LaPorte was holdin’ it down on The Screen Savers, talking about gadgets and all manner of technological and computerized whatnot before such a thing was en vogue. More on this later. Continue Reading

I briefly considered creating a new a category called “bestthingever” specifically for this post, but the problem is that it would be a category with only one item in it.
I mean, Mega Piranha, man. Mega. Piranha. You’re aware of piranhas? Well these are mega piranhas.
What I’m talking about, of course, the upcoming Syfy Original movie, Mega Piranha. Let me show you.
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Yes, goddamit: I watch American Idol. My fiancee forces me to. And I like it. You feel good about yourself now? ‘Cause I don’t. Rotten bastard.

Anyhoo, I was happy months ago, moments after I watched a commercial for cotton featuring the music of Zoey Deschanel. I was happy that the traumatic experience was over, much like the sense of relief one might feel after surviving a plane crash. See, shortly thereafter I developed a nasty ear infection that made them leak a sort of effluvium; the doctor would tell me it was a bacterial infection, but I knew the truth. My ears were weeping for their lost innocence.

I had hoped that I could continue my life in relative peace and comfort, avoiding the pitiful immitation of a dying baby moose that Zoey Deschanel seems to think is singing, but sadly, this would not be my fate. This season during occasional American Idol commercial breaks, between incessant assurances from former idol Kris Allen that “the music is inside the car… forever,” that horrible nasal atonal noise would attack auditory senses like an unkillable giant sea monster. But my hapless ears, enfolded in the very fabric of madness, would not weep again. Oh, Zoey.

Nevertheless, given the chance, I’d totally hit that. The end.