If you’re a Facebook user, chances are you’ve noticed a friend’s post, and said one of the following things to yourself:

“Goddammit, enough with the Farmville!”

OR

“Goddammit, enough with the Foursquare!”

In the case of the former, you may have said that about Mafia Wars, Petville, Roller Coaster Kingdom, or Cafe World instead. In the case of the latter, it may have been GoWalla instead of Foursquare (yeah, right). Either case is – let’s face it – fucking irritating. You don’t care that your buddy just built a stable or that they just went to Starbucks for the third time today. But today we will settle the question once and for all: are Zynga gamers bigger douchebags than Foursquare users? Red corner, you ready? Blue corner? * ding ding * Let’s get it on!

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Don’t get me wrong: I don’t care about Katy Perry, any girls she may have kissed, or the degree to which she enjoyed said kisses. Notheless, I feel it is our duty ( you know, our duty as a super-low traffic blog) to report on the rumors that are flying around about  her role as Smurfette in the upcoming Smurfs movie.

Now, before you start thinking that she will easily be the most fuckable version of Smurfette EVAR, please know two things:

1) It’s not live action, which is a damn shame, because with Quentin Tarantino confirmed as brainy smurf, it would have been interesting to say the least to see him waddling around stuffed into white tights. And gimme a side of NPH with that. Also:

2) There is a lot of Smurfette porn out there. Like, a lot. I did an image search for Smurfette with safe search turned off (inadvisable) and believe me: you people are messed up in the head in a major way.  Sure, some of those depictions filled me with strange and new feelings, but nevertheless, I can’t stress enough that you should avoid typing “Smurfette” into Google image search with safesearch turned off.

In any case, it’s just a rumor, so you know… who knows. If it turns out to be true, I’ll kind of miss the raspy just-smoked-fifteen-cigarettes quality of the original voice actress.  I hope it’s not, so I can go back to not talking about Katy Perry.

If you heard rumors of an upcoming Runaways movie, you’re in for not one, not two, but three big disappointments.

It’s not about the comic

I’m not a huge Joss Whedon fan like some of my fellow comic book nerds, but I did enjoy the comic book about runaway teens with superpowers penned by him (after he took over for Brian K. Vaughan). The plot was not particularly original, but the writing was solid and the characters were a fresh twist on the superhero genre. But alas! The Whedon factor is not enough to bring it to the big screen, at least just yet. The upcoming film is about Joan Jett: a worth topic, but it brings us to the next problem.

It stars Kristen Stawart as Joan Jett

I can’t even think of a more insulting casting choice for a biopic. Maybe Mike Epps in the Richard Pryor story? Rob Schneider as Albert Einstein? I understand that they’re trying to make money and all that, but for fuck’s sake: it’s Kristen Stewart. Her claim to fame is a movie about mormon angels dressed up as vampires (look it up, people).  Joan Jett loved rock n’ roll, man. I’m not sure Stewart even respects it.

Punk Rock affectations will become all the rage among the Twilight Set

I don’t mind 15 year girls when their noses are buried deeply in their copies of Tiger Beat. The last thing we need is a fresh army of Avril Lavignes providing more business to Hot Topic and… well, that’s bad enough by itself.

Aw man, where’s my Runaways TPB? It’s probably just as well they’re not making a movie about the comic. If they did, they’d probably cast Stewart as Nico, and then I’d have to go on a shooting spree.

It’s no secret that video game publishers are losing money to the used game market, to the tune of an astronomical figure I refuse to research diligently. Publishers - wh0 take the hard work done by game developers and pimp it out to retail - have been sailor cursing about this issue for years. Look pubs, I get it, I hate Gamestop too. Selling a used game back to the consumer for 5 dollars off retail after criminally underpaying another consumer is enough to make everyone in the video game ecosystem super bitter.

The Enemies

Consumers feeding the Gamestop beast used product would have better luck in most cases taking their wares elsewhere. The holy trinity of Goozex, Craigslist, and E-bay make unloading previously purchased product and not losing your shirt easy. If you are dead-set on trading your game at retail, various websites have tools that let you compare trade-in values. Cheap Ass Gamer is my favorite.

photo by Jacob Metcalf

The used-game market is not the only enemy of the mighty game publishers. Personally, I find renting my games at Gamefly is what works for me. With a 4-out-at-once plan and some careful planning, I can usually get AAA releases to my door a day after they hit retail. While some games still pack 90 hours of action onto the retail disc, there is no reason to purchase a 6-hour game. Hell, a 30 hour game is easily beaten in a rental month. I’m perfectly content with my rental strategy, but I’ve recently encountered a problem.

Fuck you, Cerberus

I mean, have you played the last two BioWare games?  Some of the best game experiences ever can be had In Mass Effect 2 and Dragon Age: Origins. However, as a rental customer, I became painfully aware of the new strategy in-place to deter the rental and used markets. Download codes. Dragon Age was almost forgivable; the included codes simply unlocked an additional character, and a mission. In Mass Effect 2, the code unlocked the Cerebus network, a platform for downloading additional content. The additional content amounted to another additional character and a few shitty additional missions. In both cases, after completing the main stories via my rentals, I felt compelled to purchase retail editions as soon as a sale popped up. In both cases I realized the additional content was underwhelming, especially after the the game was completed. I was a sucker!

 Borderlands

I’m not loving the day-one DLC that is only free for retail purchasers. It smells and tastes like a dick move. My preferred approach to this problem is what I call the Borderlands approach. Make your money on the comeback. I had a blast when I rented Borderlands. The game played like World Of Warcraft for people who have jobs and featured wonderful drop-in drop-out game-play. After completing my game, I sent it back to Gamefly and moved onto other things. After reading reviews of the DLC, mostly positive and already 3 installments deep, I was happy to purchase the game just for the ability to pay more to play more. No stupid codes, no arm twisting.

On The Comeback 

 Rather than discourage the rental and used markets, I think your energies should be focused on building a platform for expansion. Retail prices drop like a ton if bricks these days. Assholes like myself make it point to inform as many people consumers as possible that only suckers pay 60$ for new retail games. Even if the consumer purchased your title discounted, used, found it in a gutter, some excellent content could have them spending 10 dollars a pop on additional game. It’s much less annoying than gimping my initial play through. You can get me on the comeback.

Yes, goddamit: I watch American Idol. My fiancee forces me to. And I like it. You feel good about yourself now? ‘Cause I don’t. Rotten bastard.

Anyhoo, I was happy months ago, moments after I watched a commercial for cotton featuring the music of Zoey Deschanel. I was happy that the traumatic experience was over, much like the sense of relief one might feel after surviving a plane crash. See, shortly thereafter I developed a nasty ear infection that made them leak a sort of effluvium; the doctor would tell me it was a bacterial infection, but I knew the truth. My ears were weeping for their lost innocence.

I had hoped that I could continue my life in relative peace and comfort, avoiding the pitiful immitation of a dying baby moose that Zoey Deschanel seems to think is singing, but sadly, this would not be my fate. This season during occasional American Idol commercial breaks, between incessant assurances from former idol Kris Allen that “the music is inside the car… forever,” that horrible nasal atonal noise would attack auditory senses like an unkillable giant sea monster. But my hapless ears, enfolded in the very fabric of madness, would not weep again. Oh, Zoey.

Nevertheless, given the chance, I’d totally hit that. The end.