Poor wittle you! After you missed the boat on… well, pretty much every significant IPO of your generation, you were all fired up to hand over your $38 and rub elbows with the Zuck.

As you’ve probably learned by now, it’s not that easy. Chances are your dreams of riding a dusky blue Like-mobile into easy street have to be deferred, and you’ll just have to find some other orifice to jam those $38 currently burning a hole in your pocket. Since finding places to spend your money is about the hardest thing to do on the internet, we’ve compiled a list of useless swag you can buy for around 38 clams. Continue Reading

If there’s one thing I love in video games, it’s puzzles. I loved the Layton franchise, Braid, and lots of other puzzlelicious (that’s a word, I say so) sleepers over the years. Some of my fondest childhood memories are of playing adventures of Lolo until my mother beat me with a wooden spoon for hogging the TV. I had a pretty sad childhood, but that’s not the point! Puzzles, baby.

Anyhoo, I was little late to the Fez party, having heard of it relatively recently. I still haven’t gotten around to watching Indie Game, which documents the making of this game, but it was largely through the buzz it generated that I heard of this game. I was excited about the 2D/3D game mechanics, the retro feel, the cute protagonist, and of course the delicious, delicious puzzles.

Until I ran into the  crypto codes. I won’t belabor the point: I can’t fucking figure them out. It’s a point of pride for me never to check walkthroughs, but sweet Jebus, I don’t even know where to begin. Like, seriously. I’m so lost I can’t even complain properly.

I’m not going to sit here and deny that Fez is a great game. It is. By all measures, the gameplay is rich, the graphics and sound are top-notch, and controls are dead simple. I should love this game, but I grudgingly admit that it’s too hard for my little head. I’m not trying to make a complex point here: Fez makes me feel like a moron because I can’t figure out the cyphers. Happy now, Polytron? You beat me and I still love you. Are you my mother?

Note: the mom and beating stuff is a bad joke, and I’d like to take this opportunity to apologize and repudiate this kind of behavior.

I already knew Mega Man was awesome. And Mega Man 2? Doubly so. That’s pretty much a no-brainer.The same can be said for the electric guitar, for yea, it is the only object known to man from which pure concentrated awesomery flows. However! You may be unprepared when these two crackling pillars of unadulterated awesomeforce intertwine and mingle into the raw, beating mass of downloadable music known as Mega Beardo. Exclamation point! Continue Reading

What’s the deal with Lost’s Jacob? You know, that weird dude hanging around the island, being kind of invisible, making people immortal?
Well, your guess is as good as mine. Actually, I take that back: my guesses are better. Here are five of them that I challenge you to beat.
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When The House passed health care reform legislation last week, conservatives across the country immediately took to bellyaching loudly about socialism, President Obama, Obamacare, and Obama’s socialistic agenda. Surprising, no? All of these themes were woven into an elegiac fugue about the beautiful and dead dream once known as the United States of America.
But America is not dead. It is alive and well, having been protected from certain doom several times by a lone hero named Jack Bauer. Sadly, this too must pass, as the hero must ride into the sunset for the last time.
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