I briefly considered creating a new a category called “bestthingever” specifically for this post, but the problem is that it would be a category with only one item in it.
I mean, Mega Piranha, man. Mega. Piranha. You’re aware of piranhas? Well these are mega piranhas.
What I’m talking about, of course, the upcoming Syfy Original movie, Mega Piranha. Let me show you.
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Gawdayum, this looks hot.  The new Scott Pilgrim trailer was just released today, and you probably already saw it while I was at work. Oh well, here it is anyway, because this is totally what this dumb blog is about. After the jump.

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Don’t get me wrong: I don’t care about Katy Perry, any girls she may have kissed, or the degree to which she enjoyed said kisses. Notheless, I feel it is our duty ( you know, our duty as a super-low traffic blog) to report on the rumors that are flying around about  her role as Smurfette in the upcoming Smurfs movie.

Now, before you start thinking that she will easily be the most fuckable version of Smurfette EVAR, please know two things:

1) It’s not live action, which is a damn shame, because with Quentin Tarantino confirmed as brainy smurf, it would have been interesting to say the least to see him waddling around stuffed into white tights. And gimme a side of NPH with that. Also:

2) There is a lot of Smurfette porn out there. Like, a lot. I did an image search for Smurfette with safe search turned off (inadvisable) and believe me: you people are messed up in the head in a major way.  Sure, some of those depictions filled me with strange and new feelings, but nevertheless, I can’t stress enough that you should avoid typing “Smurfette” into Google image search with safesearch turned off.

In any case, it’s just a rumor, so you know… who knows. If it turns out to be true, I’ll kind of miss the raspy just-smoked-fifteen-cigarettes quality of the original voice actress.  I hope it’s not, so I can go back to not talking about Katy Perry.

If you heard rumors of an upcoming Runaways movie, you’re in for not one, not two, but three big disappointments.

It’s not about the comic

I’m not a huge Joss Whedon fan like some of my fellow comic book nerds, but I did enjoy the comic book about runaway teens with superpowers penned by him (after he took over for Brian K. Vaughan). The plot was not particularly original, but the writing was solid and the characters were a fresh twist on the superhero genre. But alas! The Whedon factor is not enough to bring it to the big screen, at least just yet. The upcoming film is about Joan Jett: a worth topic, but it brings us to the next problem.

It stars Kristen Stawart as Joan Jett

I can’t even think of a more insulting casting choice for a biopic. Maybe Mike Epps in the Richard Pryor story? Rob Schneider as Albert Einstein? I understand that they’re trying to make money and all that, but for fuck’s sake: it’s Kristen Stewart. Her claim to fame is a movie about mormon angels dressed up as vampires (look it up, people).  Joan Jett loved rock n’ roll, man. I’m not sure Stewart even respects it.

Punk Rock affectations will become all the rage among the Twilight Set

I don’t mind 15 year girls when their noses are buried deeply in their copies of Tiger Beat. The last thing we need is a fresh army of Avril Lavignes providing more business to Hot Topic and… well, that’s bad enough by itself.

Aw man, where’s my Runaways TPB? It’s probably just as well they’re not making a movie about the comic. If they did, they’d probably cast Stewart as Nico, and then I’d have to go on a shooting spree.

After years of steadily declining, don’t you think it’s time for a Predators franchise reboot? You do? Me too. So does 20th Century Fox. Also Robert Rodriguez. Awesome, we’re all in agreement, so let’s get this thing rolling.

I’m pretty damn stoked to see this thing, especially the AVP movies that should have been good, but weren’t. Also, I’m really glad that Robert Rodriquez has signed on to sure-fire winner, as both he and Quentin Tarantino were pretty beaten up after Grindhouse. Tarantino did so by shooting Hitler in the face (oops, retroactive spoiler alert), and Rodriguez needed something equally root-for-able.

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