What’s the deal with Lost’s Jacob? You know, that weird dude hanging around the island, being kind of invisible, making people immortal?
Well, your guess is as good as mine. Actually, I take that back: my guesses are better. Here are five of them that I challenge you to beat.
 1. Jacob is actually Vincent the dogRemember Vincent, Walt’s dog? He and Walt seemed to share a psychic connection, and the dog always knew when the boy was in danger. One might think it was the boy who had psychic powers that he channeled through his dog, except that the dog has been spotted several times WHILE JACOB WAS NOWHERE TO BE FOUND. It’s a kind of a Batman/Bruce Wayne thing. Do the math, people. Also, there was portrait of a dog in the cabin where Jacob was first spotted. Credibilty rating: rock solid |
| 2. Jacob is actually a reverse vampire You know how vampires can’t be in the sun and they suck out your life force? It’s the opposite for Jacob: he can’t go out at night (can you think of any scenes in which he’s appeared at night?), and he has to expel lifeforce like so much margarita-and-loaded-nacho vomit on your last girls night out. Ew. Much as vampires keep blood pets to continually feed from, Jacob keeps Richard Alpert to pump full of his RevVamp juice. Ew. Credibility rating: there is no word for this much plausibility
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3. Jacob is actually Jesus Christ |
| 4. Jacob is actually a sadistic alien scientist Despite Jacob’s insistence that he cares about those whose lives he’s ruined, he doesn’t. Consider this: Why has he knowingly played a hand in the death of so many? Why is he so eager to allow them to choose their own paths? How is he capable of all the neat tricks he’s capable of? Why is his spoken Korean better than Daniel Dae Kim’s? Answer to all of these: he’s an alien scientist conducting an experiment. The people are the mice, and the island and all of its quirks are his Rube Goldbergian maze. Dance, puppets! Credibility rating: totally irrefutable
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 5. Jacob is actually Aaron the babySo this show has time travel and shit, right? So check this: In the first timeline, Aaron the baby grows up, right? But he’s not happy about the way things turned out. He actually doesn’t want to be adopted by the couple in L.A., because they totally pressured him into getting his PhD in some bullshit science field at CalTech when all he really wants to do is write a kickass pilot about a private detective with a drinking problem that will totally get picked up by Showtime, but they swear they’ll take away his trust fund, so help them, if he even thinks of dropping out. The only logical thing is to build a time machine, travel back in time, thus creating splintering timelines, and the rest writes itself. Credibility rating: flawlessly logical |
