If you’re a Facebook user, chances are you’ve noticed a friend’s post, and said one of the following things to yourself:

“Goddammit, enough with the Farmville!”

OR

“Goddammit, enough with the Foursquare!”

In the case of the former, you may have said that about Mafia Wars, Petville, Roller Coaster Kingdom, or Cafe World instead. In the case of the latter, it may have been GoWalla instead of Foursquare (yeah, right). Either case is – let’s face it – fucking irritating. You don’t care that your buddy just built a stable or that they just went to Starbucks for the third time today. But today we will settle the question once and for all: are Zynga gamers bigger douchebags than Foursquare users? Red corner, you ready? Blue corner? * ding ding * Let’s get it on!

Note: like any boxing match, a maximum score of ten points are possible per round. Ten is as douchey as possible, 0 is perfectly un-douchey (yes saying “douchey” is douchey in and of itself, 7 points for me).

Round 1: Intended Purpose vs. Actual Usage

Intended Purpose of Zynga Games: these games are intended to give people something fun to do over social networks. They give people fun of collaborating with their friends in package that is cheaper, less time consuming, and easier to learn than conventional social games like World of Warcraft or Second Life.

Actual usage of Zynga Games: People spend hours end pointlessly clicking away at a fake farm for a false sense of satisfaction. The social aspect of these games is minimal; while collaboration does occur, no meaningful interaction or collaboration is possible.

Intended purpose of Foursquare: Foursquare allows people with web-enabled mobile devices to publish their locations to the social networks they use, thus allowing friends to see where they are (with the ostensible purpose of meeting them there). In addition, businesses can reward loyal patrons (the ones with the most check-ins). The idea is to bring the social web to the real world.

Actual usage of Foursquare:  users of the service check in only when they go to places they think are cool. Foursquare users are actually engaging in form of mealy-mouthed bragging about their exciting lives. No one throws on a coat and shoes to meet friends because of a Foursquare notification, they either make plans the way they have for centuries or they see the notification and ignore it. While various small businesses give rewards to people who check-in frequently, no major franchise has yet embraced the service.

Round 1 Scorecard: Zynga 9, Foursquare 10

Round 2: Cost/Benefit Analysis

Zynga: While Zynga games have an easy learning curve, this often ensures that users users get hooked, causing them to invest a great deal of time tilling their virtual fields, feeding their virtual fish, or doing some other virtual task that they’d hate in the non-virtual world. Spending real money is optional, but rare items can at times only be acquired with it; many players fall into this trap. There are few if any social rewards to this style of playing, and the sense of game satisfaction a player feels is fleeting, but the only reward there is to speak of.

Foursquare: Foursquare doesn’t work without a web-enabled mobile device, so this has to be considered part of the cost. Nevertheless, it is free and easy to use and requires only the time it takes to press a few buttons and feel and feel your ego inflate. While tangible rewards in the form of free food or drinks are rare, they’re possible. It should be noted, though, that you’re telling the world when you’re out of the house. For more info on how this could cost you all your nice stuff, check out Please Rob Me.

Round 2 Scorecard: Zynga 10, Foursquare 10

Round 3: Social Ramifications

Zynga: These games are highly addictive, and can easily suck you away from time you would otherwise spend looking at friends’ photos or commenting on their activity. In addition, the constant autoposts show just how much effort you’re putting into a game. To your non-playing friends, this could create an image of you as a sad little shut-in with nothing better to do than harvest digital yams.

Foursquare: Everyone is a self-important prick to some degree, but frequent Foursquare posts let your friends know that you’re a shameless self-important prick. Your ability to frequent trendy nightspots can serve to create a rankling resentment from your friends with less time, money, or lack of responsibilities, and your devil-may-care attitude does not help to assuage these feelings. You won’t lose friends, they’ll just quietly hate you a little more than before.

Round 3 Scorecard: Zynga 10, Foursquare 9

Final Round: Ease of Filtration

Zynga: If your friends would rather not know that you just found a baby whale at your zoo, they can choose to block the application. No fuss, no muss. If you play a bunch of games, though, each must be blocked individually (or they can just unfriend you).

Foursquare: While blocking Foursquare posts on Facebook is just as easy as Zynga games, It’s pretty much impossible to do so on Twitter.

Round 4 Scorecard: Zynga 8, Foursquare 10

Closing remarks

Zynga: Petville, Farmville, Yoville, Cafe World — how about spending some time in a real world location? Maybe earning some real money at a real job? If I read one more time that you have some fucking fuel to share, I’m going down to your house and syphoning the gas out of your car.

Foursquare: No one cares where you’ve been, where you’re going, or how often you’re there. You may spend a lot of time at your local McDonald’s, but that doesn’t make you the mayor, it just makes you fat. Besides, it already has a mayor, and his name is McCheese.

Decision

While this was an epic battle the winner of the bag trophy:

*Drumroll*

Foursquare! Now shut the fuck up about going to the sexy bar for sexy people and fertilize my tomatoes!